Divorced? Remarried? This One’s for You

Preface

Hear me when I say, I love the church and believe in the body of Christ.

That being said, women I call my sisters walked through divorce while I was deeply intertwined in that season with them. I didn’t experience divorce myself, but I lived close enough to see the weight it placed on them, especially within the church.

While reading Matthew 5, I felt a strong nudge to sit with this passage and write about it. That surprised me.

I questioned whether I had the right to speak into something I hadn’t personally lived.

But this isn’t about speaking for others, it’s about responding where Scripture has been used to shame.

I’m writing out of love for sisters who have carried that weight, with a desire to reflect Jesus faithfully.

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A Reading of Matthew 5:31–32 in Context

Sometimes Scripture wounds because it is handled carelessly. 

And sometimes we need to address it: the church has, at times, unintentionally harmed people—especially women—while believing it was being faithful. 

I’m writing this to offer context, and to reflect Jesus in the way I wish had been present for my loved ones.

For a long time, I didn’t have the tools to help them in the way I wanted. 

• I didn’t yet know how to let Scripture interpret Scripture. 

• I didn’t understand how much context, audience, culture, and power dynamics mattered. 

And because of that, I didn’t always know how to respond when verses like Matthew 5:31–32 were used as weapons instead of warnings.

Sometimes institutions that claim to protect the vulnerable are, without realizing it, the very ones doing the harm.

So before explaining this passage, let’s read it carefully and fully:

*“It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’

But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”*¹

These words are strong, but they have often been aimed in the wrong direction.

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What Jesus Was Addressing

At this time in Israel, divorce was controlled by men.

A man could:

• decide he was done

• issue legal paperwork

• walk away publicly justified

A woman, however:

• lost protection

• lost provision

• lost standing

• often had no choice but to remarry to survive

Jesus steps directly into this injustice and names it clearly: legal permission does not equal covenant faithfulness. 

Even if a man believed his divorce was legitimate, God did not always see it as covenantally legitimate—especially in light of the prophets’ repeated condemnation of treachery against wives.²

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Why Jesus Uses the Word “Adultery”

This is the part that has been most misused.

When Jesus says an unjust divorce “makes her commit adultery,” He is not condemning the woman. He is naming what the man’s actions created.

Hear this again: 

When Jesus says an unjust divorce “makes her commit adultery,” He is not blaming the woman; He is naming the harm created by the man’s actions in a system where she had little choice.

In that culture:

• marriage was a covenant³

• unjust divorce did not truly dissolve that covenant in God’s eyes⁴

• remarriage was often necessary for survival

The adultery Jesus names is not about her morality. It is about the betrayal that multiplies harm outward. 

A man’s misuse of the law forced a woman into a situation where survival itself was labeled sinful. 

Jesus is exposing injustice, not shaming victims.

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When Protection Turns Into Control

In many of the situations I’m thinking of, it wasn’t “the church” in the abstract that caused harm.

 It was specific people within the church—often leaders, elders, or respected voices—who placed unbearable weight on women already living in marriages that were unsafe, unloving, or deeply unhealthy.

These women were urged to:

• stay silent

• stay submitted

• stay longer

• stay at personal cost

All in the name of “biblical faithfulness.” 

And by doing so, those leaders repeated the very pattern Jesus was confronting.

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This Is What Was Called Pharisaical

The problem Jesus consistently named was not devotion to Scripture. It was using Scripture to protect power while burdening the vulnerable.⁵

The Pharisees:

• knew the law

• quoted the law

• enforced the law

But they did so in ways that:

• excused themselves

• controlled others

• ignored mercy, justice, and faithfulness⁶

Telling a woman she must remain in a marriage that is unsafe, unloving, or eroding her dignity—while quoting Scripture to silence her—is not faithfulness. 

It is Pharisaical.

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Why This Cannot Be Applied the Same Way Today

We cannot read ourselves directly into a first-century system where:

• women had no legal protection

• divorce was one-sided and easily abused

• survival often required remarriage

Today:

• women have legal protection

• some marriages are unsafe

• some are emotionally damaging

None of those realities are erased by quoting Matthew 5.

And none of them justify placing manipulative or shame-based burdens on women who have already paid a cost.

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Marriage Is Sacred — But Shame Is Not the Gospel

Saying this does not mean:

• marriage isn’t a covenant

• covenant is disposable

• choices don’t have consequences

It means we refuse to confuse accountability with condemnation.

The gospel does not require women to carry lifelong guilt to prove they respect marriage. 

Jesus was never protecting institutions at the expense of people. He was exposing systems that did exactly that.

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A Word to Women Who Have Been Judged

If you were divorced and remarried and were told:

• you were living in sin

• you had no “biblical grounds”

• your actions were "an abomination"

Hear this clearly:

Jesus was not talking about you.

You were not committing adultery simply by remarrying after divorce. You were not betraying covenant. 

You were navigating brokenness—sometimes wisely, sometimes imperfectly, like every human being does.

The shame placed on you did not come from Scripture. It came from Scripture handled without context, listening, or courage.

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A Perspective From A Loved One Who Has Lived Through This: 

It is often easier to quote a verse than to sit with a person. 

Easier to point to a rule than to engage the complexity of someone’s story. 

Easier to say “But the Bible says…” than to listen, understand, and walk alongside someone whose life has been marked by loss, fear, or deep disappointment.

But ease has never been the measure of faithfulness. 

Full engagement requires more:

• listening without interrupting

• resisting the urge to simplify

• acknowledging that not every story fits a formula

• choosing understanding over assumption

Jesus did not ask His followers to be gatekeepers of moral certainty. He asked them to be witnesses of truth shaped by mercy.

If we are serious about honoring marriage, we must also be serious about honoring people. 

That means choosing to come alongside rather than stand over.

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Why Learning to Read Scripture Within Context Matters

I wish I had known sooner how to read Scripture with:

• attention to audience

• awareness of power

• humility about culture

• Scripture interpreting Scripture

Because when we don’t, even well-meaning faith communities can become unsafe places for the very people they claim to protect.

Reading the Bible responsibly rescues it from misuse. 

And in this way, Scripture can do what it was always meant to do: bring us into restored relationship with God, made possible through Jesus.

We all make poor decisions at times. The church should be the place where truth is spoken without crushing people.

And when Scripture is used to harm the vulnerable, it is not Scripture that needs defending — it is people.

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May we follow His example, choosing mercy, love, and understanding—because people were always the heart of Jesus’ ministry.

I know this topic can feel sensitive. My goal isn’t to argue about the Bible or question the importance of marriage. I’m writing to speak love and encouragement to sisters in Christ who have been shamed, not to start a theological debate. 

If you don’t agree, that’s okay—I hope this post can be a space for compassion and reflection, not judgment.

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I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Feel free to leave a comment below.

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Footnotes

1. Matthew 5:31–32

2. Malachi 2:14–16 – God condemns treachery against wives; covenant betrayal, not paperwork, is the issue

3. Genesis 2:24 – Marriage framed as covenantal union

4. Jeremiah 3:8; Hosea 2–3 – Divorce imagery as judgment, not moral ideal

5. Matthew 23:4 – Burdens laid on others without mercy

6. Matthew 23:23 – Neglect of justice, mercy, and faithfulness